Yes, I titled this post as if it holds some miracle answer or magic pill on how to be a better person. Let’s just jump to the conclusion shall we? It doesn’t. I have no answer on how to stop judging. I just didn’t know what else to title this so I went with an obvious statement.
I had typed up an entirely different post today about what people wear when working out and if it should matter. Then I decided that it wasn’t what I wanted to say.
When I started this website, my goal was to post one piece each week. That was about as frequent as I wanted to get because I didn’t want to burden myself with attempting to have something well-written more frequently than that. I was going for quality over quantity. That value stemmed from the fact that I believe most things, done at a slower pace are generally thought out more thoroughly. So I had planned to write something during the week, let it sit, then come back to it a couple of days later and edit it and critically think about the core point of the piece.
I’ve been moderately successful at this, but have, admittedly, posted items without giving them the extra day or two to marinate. Fortunately I didn’t need the extra time today when I was rereading my first post, I just asked myself if this fit the goal I had originally set and it didn’t.
This is because when I distilled down what I wanted to say, ultimately I was judging people for making wardrobe choices for themselves. Their choices don’t affect my personal life at all and therefore, I don’t believe I should comment on it.
I’ve been thinking quite a bit about this lately because I am always looking for ways to improve myself, or at least attempt to. I recently bought a new book that was just released called “You’re Not Listening: What You’re Missing and Why It Matters” by Kate Murphy. I’m only about half way through the book and so far I’m a little mixed. I had read the first chapter of the book in an online article and was instantly captivated, so much so that I went out that day and bought it. However, my expectations were so incredibly high that it is impossible for much of the rest of the content to meet them. I’m really trying to keep an open mind, and have discovered some chapters are just ok and others are really great, and as I noted I’m only about half way through.
This has been compounded by the events within my part-time job. I’m very frustrated that I don’t feel like I’m being heard. I’m working remotely and can’t figure out an effective way to communicate. There are tasks lists and instant chats set-up, there are texts and emails and a lot of phone calls, and none of them seem to be working. It’s created a level of anger within me that’s starting to take over. I’m having a hard time discerning if the communication issue is on my side or the other person’s. I don’t want to immediately blame or judge someone else, but I have been able to identify a few things that are not my fault and are out of my control. I have just constantly read and heard that even in these difficult situations, successful people find ways to communicate and listen effectively in order to make things happen. I want to be in that category. So while I’ve been eager to write off this experience as a failure, I feel like I need to stop and try to figure out how to turn that around.
The reason I jumped from judging to listening is because I feel like the title of this book is a bit off and also right on the mark. There are sections about how we jump to conclusions without listening to others and therefore tempers are quick to flare up all around. There’s a lot of content within it about how our society isn’t listening to one another and all of us therefore, feel unheard and alone. Statistics will confirm that loneliness is on the rise despite so many ways to connect with others compared to before.
I think that it’s incredibly difficult to put aside our own experiences and preferences long enough to listen to other people and perhaps try to see something from their viewpoint or understand what might be going on in their lives. I’ve thought that I’ve been an ok listener to some extent and I use ok in its most benign form. As in meh. I know that just like pretty much everyone else, I could use a lot more practice in this area.
I do know that I usually feel unheard. This is true with places I’ve worked as well as in some of my personal relationships. I think perhaps I’ve equated listening with the act of giving in to someone else’s preferences or demands. One reason why I wouldn’t want to partner with someone in an architecture firm of my own is that I feel that in instances where we disagreed on something I would either throw a fit until I got my way, or completely give in to their idea just to avoid any further conflict. The second, of course, means that I become silently resentful. I know this because I’ve seen it happen in my personal relationships.
As I write this, getting or not getting what I want may not have anything to do with listening and sharing. If I give someone an opportunity to speak without interruption about what they think or want, and they provide me the same courtesy, chances are, feelings on both sides will be calmer because we’ve each been able to express ourselves. Then there could be more of an opportunity for compromise or even just an established safe space in which a conversation on the topic can continue. I’m starting to experience this a little more in my personal life so I’m starting to get it now, at least a little bit.
Perhaps I’m swirling around a breakthrough on this particular topic. Perhaps it just needs a little more time for me to research and think about and possibly write about. With another workday on its way tomorrow, I have another day to practice some genuine listening which I’m hoping will provide me with more patience. Although, I will say that listening through a phone or speaker versus listening in person does come with a little bit of a handicap as we are unable to pick up on the non-verbal cues that can often fill in the gaps where words fail all of us.
Regardless, I’m going to try to practice more on listening and not judging immediately. I may not agree with people or them with me. I may not like people, or them me. Listening doesn’t mean changing my mind or needing to automatically like everyone or everything. Listening also doesn’t have to make taking on the emotional baggage of someone else’s life, something that I’ve done my entire life and know first-hand the damage that can cause. I think listening means being courteous. I think this will be very hard for me, but heck, it’s still January and I don’t have a resolution for this year. I think this would make a good one.
