It’s the end of February. Sometime between Thanksgiving and Christmas I started to feel pretty crappy – mentally. If you’ve read any previous posts, it’s clear that depression is a pretty common passenger in my car on this road of life so I didn’t think too much into it at the time. I didn’t really see it coming until I snapped on Christmas day. I thought that it might have been related to the holidays – which I truly hate (yes hate) and I’d be feeling at least a little better about mid to late January.
I’m not.
It’s actually become worse.
I can safely say that for the better part of three months, I have been very depressed. While overeating is my drug of choice, the complete lack of any control over food is beyond anything I’ve ever experienced before. If it were alcohol instead of food I’d be dead of alcohol poisoning by now. That’s how much I’m overeating. And it has become a very large sign for me that something is truly and deeply wrong. Today I think I figured out a big part of the depression puzzle. Burnout. Or maybe I should call it Boredout.
I started by searching the internet today for ways to stop overeating while at work. I found an article dated about nine years ago, regarding work and snacking and it referenced a study from Finland. In the study, there were some findings that linked work/job burnout to the amount of overeating that women were doing. This study focused solely on women. They were able to determine that those with a higher job satisfaction were able to change their eating habits and those who were classified as burned out at work, were unable to stop eating. I have also found out that eating gives us that dose of dopamine which can provide pleasure. Which I find interesting because I wouldn’t consider eating a pleasurable thing for me but rather something that feeds a “hunger”, even when I’m not physically hungry.
I had finally found something that made sense. I did a little more searching down the rabbit hole and learned that burnout is something that’s medically and psychologically recognized. I found some consistent words to describe burnout on a few different sites. Here are some of them: chronic fatigue, insomnia, impaired concentration or inability to concentrate, physical symptoms, increased illness, depression, anger, cynicism, detachment, feelings of hopelessness, lack of productivity, using food, drugs or alcohol to combat feelings. That pretty much sums me up, so I figured I had found an answer to what’s been worming its way into my brain. However, most burnout discussions online revolve around too much work to do, too many deadlines, too much work stress. That doesn’t fit me very well but I thought I was on to something and so I kept digging.
Turns out that there are a few articles about Boredout, which apparently leads to Burnout. Admittedly, I think I’m somewhere between the two. A little background will help.
I graduated in 2006 with a degree in Architecture. I, like every other architecture student, wanted to create beautiful buildings, despite one of our very smart professors really telling us the truth about the industry. I told myself that I wouldn’t be pigeon-holed into detailing bathrooms for years and that I could make a big impact. The older me now knows better. While I’ve gained knowledge, I’m still not allowed to participate in the fully process of architecture, which is desperately what I want.
My graduation in 2006 coincided with a job change for my husband and we took the opportunity to move to the other side of the country.
To make a very long story much shorter, here is the data. Starting with that move across the country:
- I have had 10 different jobs in architecture and one random job while unemployed.
- I have been unemployed a combined total of around 20 months between 2007 and 2020, give or take a couple of weeks.
- I have been laid off four times.
- We have lived in four different states, some more than once during that time.
- I have had eleven different addresses in those four states over fourteen years.
- I managed to study for and pass my architectural licensing exams which is not a quick or simple process.
- We have bought and sold four houses in three different states.
I’m burned out.
While all these changes have provided me with an incredible variety of work experiences, it has taken its toll. I feel like I should also mention that when the Great Recession hit in 2008, about 25% of all architects in the United States lost their jobs. Our profession was the number one hardest hit profession. More of us were out of work than contractors or housing developers. I want to make a difference doing something I enjoy and yet I wasn’t even able to get a job with the crappiest of architecture firms.
The architecture profession loves to talk about all-nighters and mandatory overtime. Yet my experiences, for the most part, have been largely on the other side of the spectrum. I found myself with too little to do most of the time. There just wasn’t enough work to keep my brain occupied and my spirit challenged. Nothing will derail a person faster than feeling like there’s nothing to contribute to society. I really don’t care how many people say they’d love to sit and do nothing all day, they just don’t quite understand the toll that takes and how fast it can happen. Although 2020 may have actually shown a spotlight on that particular situation!
I now find myself in a job where I like the people I work with and I feel that I fit in – mostly – which is light years ahead of other places I’ve worked (although as a separate topic, I’ve met some wonderful and hopefully life-long friends at various jobs along the way). However, I have significantly less responsibility at my current job than I’ve had in several years and it’s been eating away at me. I’m middle aged and I feel like NOW is my time. I have not felt that way before, it’s been like I’ve been waiting until it was right and now feels like it’s supposed to be my time. My gut has been quietly saying…”wait for it…” and I did and then it said…”now”. Yet, I’m stuck.
I’m bored out. And the worst part is that this do-nothingness is sapping any motivation and emotional, mental and physical energy out of me. When I get home, even with the pandemic and with nothing else do to and no other real responsibilities, I have nothing left to give to any other projects at home, like sewing or photography. I sit. And the sitting brings terrible hip and back pain. But that’s at least become bad enough now that I have to do something to counteract it, and that means physically getting up off the couch, and that’s good for me.
I’m burned out from moving too much. I’m burned out from being laid off four times in fifteen years. I’m burned out from constantly having to look for a job every few years (the longest I’ve EVER had a job is three years). I’m burned out from dreaming about my life and KNOWING that I can do more, be more, and feeling like the entire planet has placed a giant wall in front of me. I’m burned out from constantly questioning if I’m good enough or smart enough or if I work hard enough. I’m bored out from doing the same thing over and over again and from having to fix issues that architects who are older with a shit-ton more experience than me just don’t seem to see. The only thing I’m hanging onto right now is that with all my various experience, I feel I can tackle just about any small to mid-size project and feel confident that I can get the project done. That’s the one single thing I’m holding onto right now and I hope that nothing rips that away from me.
I’m trying to find out how to counteract this malaise. I can’t go through the rest of my life like this. All the articles I find on burnout, from medical sites to random blogs, pretty much say the same thing. Well, let me run down some of those. It’s best to read this list with a sarcastic voice in your head.
- Exercise/go for a walk. First, it’s been about five degrees out and everything is covered in snow and ice. Going for a walk isn’t an option. Second, burnout comes with feelings of unproductivity, depression and fatigue. Do you know how incredibly hard it is to physically move at all? They might as well just tell me to cure cancer, because the effort seems about the same to me.
- Meditate. I’m already bored to tears! Why would I sit when my brain is already screaming at me. It’s not that I’m overworked here….!
- Talk to your manager. I have and I do. Nothing changes. And let’s be clear. I work for a company with less than twenty people, like millions of Americans every day. It’s not that I can transfer to a different department – for Pete’s sake there’s only one department!
- Find a different job. Please reread the above list of jobs held in the last fifteen years. I’m burned out from constantly trying to find a new job.
- Try to get more sleep. Oh – I loooovvve this one (extreme sarcasm!). I get about nine hours of “sleep” each night. There is a HUGE difference between “sleeping” and restful, regenerating sleep and it’s about time that our society started talking about the difference. We love to discuss insomnia, which is being unable to sleep at all. We love to promote pills that can knock us out. But we don’t discuss the large number of us that sleep and never get deep sleep. I sleep so tense that I have created additional bone in my jaw area from clenching my teeth too tight and tensing my muscles all night long. Fatigue is not the need for more “sleep”, it’s the need for more “rest” and there’s a difference. So to all those who say get some “sleep”, here’s my answer – F.U.
- Take time for yourself / self-care. Really? Well, I’d love to if someone could give me that “self-care” task that will do the trick because massages, spas, haircuts, foot soaks, reading, watching movies, taking photographs, cleaning out my closet and a whole host of other items just like those don’t seem to help one damn bit.
Yes – I’m angry about the silly and generic help suggestions provided online for someone with extreme burnout and depression. I don’t think I’m alone in this. I really don’t think that a person with chronic depression or chronic burnout will take some walks and get a massage and feel recharged. Some things in life are way too deep and complicated to be so simply “cured”. So my conclusion is that no one really knows what the hell to do to combat burnout.
There are some of us who have done everything we can to move ourselves forward. We’ve never given up. We’ve always tried to go around roadblocks. We’ve reached out for opportunities whenever we could and we’ve spoken up in multiple different ways. There are some of us who have quit jobs or been forced to move on. There are some of us who are just different than others. I like being different, but I’m so very, very tired of it. But being similar to others would mean putting myself into a position of great mental peril, knowing that “dumbing myself down” to fit into a category someone else created for me – without my consent – would mean putting myself back into a situation of wanting to commit suicide. It would mean being content with mediocrity. So if those are my choices – be stuck or die, literally – can someone really say that’s a choice?
I’m burned out and bored out from not reaching anything close to my full potential. I truly feel like one of those people who is only using about half their brain. I’m not saying that I’m smarter than others or better than others, I’m just saying that I certainly don’t feel like I’m contributing anything to society in anyway – meaningless or meaningful. I think most of all, I’m burned out from constantly trying to fight to find a way to actually reach some of that potential. It’s like I’m clawing my way constantly through a muddy field and getting stuck over and over again and knowing that it’s just in my nature to never stop.
I haven’t given up yet. But I’m very tired. My eyes burn. My body aches every day. I can’t sleep (or I should say I can’t get any rest). I want to cry but I can’t. I want to find a way to make the world better, but am just an unproductive, unknown, nobody. And I even think that the itchiness and constant hives I’ve had since July are a physical symptom of this burnout. I have a good therapist to lean on. I have endless reading material available on the internet (even if most of it is crap). I have the ability to think and learn. I just wished I had the ability to actually do. It would be so wonderful to feel like I’ve accomplished something. Now is when I’m supposed to make that next step, to have something big happen to propel me forward. I know it won’t just happen, I know I have to work at it. I feel like I am working at it constantly. With the small amounts of energy I have left after work, I try to do something, even if it’s a tiny thing. I told myself this was the year of finishing things and I’m still attempting to follow that mantra, if only to feel some sense of completion.
I haven’t given up. But I’m sure as hell worn completely down. I feel ready to break in a catastrophic way and I don’t want to. I want to find some glue to help stick all the cracks of me back together. I just don’t know what that glue is – yet.
