I just got back from a long weekend trip with my extended family and I’m generally pissed off about the whole thing. Because I’m dealing with the trauma that was my entire childhood in the form of emotional neglect, I know I’m in a delicate emotional place right now and I’m sure that played a big part in my attitude this past weekend. But that’s saying that my negative attitude about the trip is incorrect. Perhaps it’s not. Maybe I have every right to not want to go on big family trips. It’s hard for me to determine this right now because I’m trying to process my trauma and that means I generally don’t trust my own thoughts at this moment in time.
First, the trip was with my in-laws which included older parents, adult children and their children (aged pre-K to teenagers). I have great in-laws. I really do! I got lucky in that regard, however, I don’t live with them. In fact, most of the time, I live alone because my spouse travels so much. That means I’m in charge of my own entertainment and meals and if I need quiet, I simply turn off the tv. This brings me to point number two.
Second, we rented a vacation house and stayed together. It was a very large house and all but one bedroom had its own bathroom, which meant that most people got their own “suite”. But it was still all in one house and even if I closed the bedroom door, I could still hear the little one (who I love but has only one volume – loud) through the door.
Third, they scheduled everything. There wasn’t really any “down” time and this also meant very little flexibility. There was one open time slot that a few of us filled, but in doing so it created a time crunch to get to the next scheduled activity. So to me, it was go-go-go and that’s not generally what I call a “vacation”.
Fourth, no one coordinated meals. There were over a dozen of us and although I love my in-laws, they have terrible eating habits. There wasn’t a vegetable to be found in the house – I’m not kidding. There were large amounts of breads, crackers, cookies, chips and similar snacks, but only a tiny amount of fruit and zero (seriously zero) vegetables. When people got hungry, they just started snacking on all that processed food. I have some pretty terrible eating habits myself but if I’m with a group, I want a coordinated, somewhat balanced meal. I attempted to mitigate this by bringing my own snacks but they weren’t good substitutes for a regular meal. I thought that I could get some fresh food at the destination but I wasn’t able to so I was out of luck.
Fifth, I didn’t have my own transportation. Although we drove several cars to the “vacation” spot, I didn’t have one. We took my husband’s company vehicle because he actually had a meeting near where we were going and had to stay after the weekend for work. So he was driving out there anyway, but I’m not able to legally drive the vehicle. This meant I was the only adult without autonomy to just get in a vehicle and go somewhere. I was at the mercy of what everyone else wanted to do. This is also what kept me from going to the store on my own.
In general, I feel more stressed and in pain AFTER the trip than before. I think what I’m most angry about is that I was making some good progress with my therapy and working on making my internal self stronger and more confident and this damn trip seemed to take me about ten steps backward. Every joint hurts, I feel tense all over and I’m just exhausted. It didn’t charge any bit of battery for me, it just drained the little bit of energy that I had started to gain for myself. I had started to exercise a few weeks ago and wanted to do that this week, but once again, am sitting here with no energy to get up off the couch. I’m pissed off at this damn overwhelming feeling of obligation that made me go on that trip because I knew this is where I would end up and I didn’t have a fucking choice this time.
I’m switching jobs and was stressed before the trip about ending the old one (which turned out to be a toxic workplace). I had hoped that the few days I’d have between the jobs would allow me some down time to reset, but now I feel like I’m starting from a deep hole instead and that I have to fake that I’m ok and full of energy when starting the new job and hope that after a month or so, a routine will settle in that allows me a chance to breathe.
But back to these multi-generational vacations. They seem to be a thing more and more and I don’t get it. I know I have an attachment disorder and I generally don’t want to be around people. I know I’m not connected to people the way that others are and therefore I generally want to be alone. However, that aside, most of us as adults do not share the same habits, routines, likes/dislikes and preferences as our parents and siblings. This means that what recharges us may drain them and vice versa.
I know that a big part of my crabbiness and stress was because I wasn’t heard or listened to before or during the trip. We went to a place where I had been before, in a state where I had lived, through a city I’ve spent more time in than anyone else on the trip, yet no one took what I said into consideration. I said there would be heavy traffic yet everyone assumed it would take one hour for a 50 mile drive. Then they hit the traffic which was moving at 15 mph. I didn’t say it then, but I’ll type it now…I told you so. I had researched some activities a few weeks ahead of time and learned that some of them were closed due to season changes, yet no one read that emailed information or listened to me when I said that out loud. They seemed to only let it sink in when one other family member mentioned it (after they looked it up independently of me). I sat there and listened to comments about the weather and the roads and the altitude, all while shoving down the screaming person inside of me that wanted to shake them and just yell – “if you would have only listened to me!”
I felt insignificant. I felt ignored. I felt unseen and unheard. I felt dismissed. No one really cared. And although my spouse has been great the last couple of months, he was his usual “family” self. When we’re around them, I don’t exist. We barely talked for three days. He was much more focused on them.
So I hate big family trips and I never want to take another one again. Ever.
I’m not a fan of group trips in general, although we have one trip planned this fall with friends to a resort. I’ve been assured by others that it’s really laid back and people do what they want. One person says she usually just sits by the pool most of the time. So in general, it sounds much better than the “vacation” we just took. Not that I want to sit by the pool the whole time, but it doesn’t sound like a trip that’s crammed full of activities that I don’t really want to do. We have the freedom to decide. AND we’re all staying in our own hotel rooms. Probably close to one another, but at least it’s our own space. Plus it’s an inclusive resort with lots of food options. If they don’t want to eat, I can go get something on my own. Unlike my family (who I do love) who just wanted to eat chips instead of green beans. AND the group for my next trip is half the size of the family trip we just took and everyone is generally the same age. At least if we want to sit around and drink, we don’t have to worry someone needing to stay back and babysit.
I know that I’m ranting (ok – complaining) here, but I also wanted to put an alternate viewpoint out there for anyone who might be searching information about multi-family vacations. When I looked online, a majority of information that showed up was all about things to do and how to take advantage of grandparents for babysitting. I just think that perhaps it’s important to say that not everyone in the family likes to be in a group. Not all of us are mentally healthy enough to be able to do that and you (the rest of the family) might not know about it. Not everyone in a family likes everyone. That might sound harsh, but it’s true. Maybe that older brother spent your youth picking on you and never grew out of the annoying habit, and therefore you really dislike spending time with him.
For me, family is just too triggering. It took a conversation with my therapist AFTER my trip to be able to at least partially understand why I just couldn’t handle being with everyone. First, it’s chaotic and noisy and I have no control, this is too much like my childhood where I felt constantly on a racetrack schedule set by my parents. Second, and perhaps more importantly, I’m not able to connect with anyone when in a large group. I have a deep, deep need to have meaningful and honest connections with people, usually through deeper conversations than just about the weather. Third, I need quiet time to process, regroup and decompress in order to not have a fit worse than a toddler.
In general, I won’t be embarking on another whole-family vacation. The emotional landmines that are part of the itinerary are just too risky for me to take.
