Since late Spring / early Summer, I’ve been regressing mentally. Depression and fear have been slowly creeping back into my life and this past week really began to overwhelm me. I’ve been attempting to find the source of this and get some relief and my therapists are helping me, but we haven’t found that key to understanding yet. However, in the last few days, I feel like I’ve been inching a little closer to something important and hope that this week, with one of my sessions, I can help clarify those thoughts a little bit.
Last Spring when I landed on the cause of my emotional turmoil, I realized how much it had been weighing me down physically. The joint and muscle pain lessened considerably, I could breathe freely and most importantly, for the first time in twenty years, I actually had energy to work out and I joined a fairly intense class. I’ve been growing angrier and angrier over the last couple of months because, with the regression mentally, I’ve also lost some of that physical energy too. This past week, the pain in my body was soul crushing. Not that it was completely unbearable, but the fact that I know why it’s there and the overall achiness that wouldn’t go away just made me feel more depressed. I’ve also been overeating more because that’s the drug I chose when I’m trying to make it all better.
Back in January, we scheduled a vacation with some friends for this fall and it’s just around the corner. This last week was pretty low for me and with the upcoming trip, I feel that I have a finite date I can use to make some changes. I feel there’s something to help me stay focused. So I decided that I’m using the next thirty days as my own personal mental and physical health challenge.
I got a bit of a start on this last week by not eating out lunch any day and I’ve avoided fried foods for a week now. I stocked up on fruit and have some fresh veggies from the garden I can take as snacks for work. I also have lunches I can take this week too. Some salads, a turkey sandwich and some frozen meals are all available this week so I don’t have any reason to eat out. I also know that next weekend I am free so I can make it to the store and restock for the following week.
I got a good start this weekend on some workouts by heading to my workout class Saturday and today (Monday) and met up with a friend for a really long walk (and talk) on Sunday. So that’s three days in a row. I’ve also been able to feel the depression lessen slightly after the workouts. This is a well known side effect of working out, but when I have the emotional weight draining all my energy, I haven’t always reaped that benefit. While I’ve been feeling a drain on me again, I can at least say that it’s not as bad as it was before last Spring, so I have been able to get that rush of good feeling hormones that come from working out.
Anyway, back to my goals. Our vacation involves swimming pools and beaches and I’m not in shape for a swimsuit! So I’m using the next thirty days to get as physically fit as I can. I know I won’t have ripped abs in that time or be able to lose ten pounds, but I can feel good about giving it my best shot. I’ve already noticed more-toned arms from my class and I think slightly more toned thighs, so I intend to use that progress as momentum to keep going with the class. I can only make it there about twice a week, so I want to make myself do some other type of workouts at least a couple other days during the week. I’ve got access to a bike, both for outdoor use or on its stationary stand. I also have workout DVDs, access to streaming services and the internet and a rowing machine. There’s no shortage of access to resources for working out.
My biggest challenge to working out will be finding the balance of downtime. Work is slightly unpredictable and I may end up being there a bit later in the evenings sometimes. When that happens, I find that I don’t have motivation or energy to do much later in the evening. I’m hopeful that setting this goal for myself will propel me into doing something on those nights, even if it’s a small thing.
I have decided the best way to handle these thirty days is to chunk it up into weeks. So I’m focusing on what I’m able to do the next five days and then I can refocus late in the week for the weekend and next week. I’m hoping that will keep things attainable for me and not feel so overwhelming.
So my goals:
- Don’t eat out for lunch, unless work dictates it (a couple of weeks ago we had a last second work lunch pop up, so it’s not unreasonable that it could happen)
- Limit junk food significantly from my previous habits. Go for fruit, peanuts and veggies as my work time snacks as much as possible.
- Get to my workout class two times/week – I have opportunities Monday-Thursday and Saturdays for this.
- Work out 2 to 3 other days with videos, bicycle or rowing machine.
- Read some of my books on emotional neglect, complex post traumatic stress disorder, and related topics each day. I’ve been slacking on this and I think it could help with the mental portion of my goals for the month.
- Check in online regularly with progress, the writing will keep me focused and help me process some of my emotions
To help me track progress physically, and to find some way to provide additional motivation, I’m going to also track my weight and size. Since every person’s numbers are different and shouldn’t be compared with each other, rather than provide starting numbers, I’m going to just start everything at zero. I’ll track from zero either positive or negative progress. The hope is that it will be negative which will indicate weight and/or inches lost. Since this isn’t something that’s good to track every day, I will report on this once/week.
The overeating, lack of energy, and added weight are not helping me fight the mental battle within my head. I might not have much control over my emotions at the moment, but I think I can have some control over my physical being and I am hoping that this focus on my physical health can become a way for me fight against the darkness that is part of my mental health.
I hope to post a lot more frequently during this time. Ideally I’d be typing an update every day but I also know realistically that isn’t likely to happen, so I’m going to shoot for something every two to three days. I think the key to success is understanding I have a lot of other things on my plate and to give myself permission to not be so rigid in my thinking.
Above all, I need to listen to my body and my mind. If there’s a day where I just need to stop and recover, I will need to do that.
In thirty days, I want to be mentally clearer and stronger and if my body is a bit leaner at that time it would be a really great bonus. When I go on vacation, I want to be able to relax and enjoy it. I don’t want to regret being so out of shape that I can’t do some activities. Mentally I want that time to decompress and recharge. Of course…if Covid doesn’t derail our plans!
So technically I’m writing this on what I’m calling the end of day 3 of my challenge. Here’s to 27 more successful ones.
