I have a co-worker who has often said they have thick skin and therefore we can say what we want without worrying about adverse effects. This is not an usual thought process in our society. People are constantly telling others to “get a thick skin”. This has always rubbed me a bit wrong and I’ve not known why.
However, I think I might be sorting some of it out.
First, anytime someone says “get a thicker skin” I interpret that as saying “you’re wrong to feel what you feel”. Perhaps more succinctly, “you’re a worthless idiot”. I understand this is coming from my long-term traumatized brain but I’m going to guess that I’m not completely alone with this. I also think this phrase discourages others from speaking up at work and that just starts a general feeling of distrust throughout an organization.
Everyone should be allowed to feel their feelings. No one has the right to tell another person their feelings are wrong. Everyone deserves to feel like they’re being heard and understood at least once in a while. Telling a person to get a thicker skin says the opposite of that. Or at least that’s my interpretation.
Second, does having a thick skin, or the perception of one, somehow project a sense of superiority? Does it make people believe they are in some way superior to others? For those who think they have a thick skin, have they used that as a way to cover up their own vulnerability? Were they told that they were not supposed to express their own emotions and were programmed to cover them up with a so-called “thick skin”? I don’t know what the answers are to any of these questions, but I know I have them.
Third, which is in some way related to the previous point, are people thick-skinned or disconnected? I know I have learned a lot about my emotions the past six months. I’ve read and studied and discussed them with trained therapists. Most people do not study emotions the way that I have recently and even with all my studying and learning, I feel like I know only a fraction of a fraction about how the mind processes our feelings and even what all our feelings are. So I believe that most people just don’t know bumpkiss about feelings.
I think it’s entirely possible for someone to believe they have a thick skin when in actuality, they have disconnected from their feelings. The feelings they had were too painful or the comments made to them about those feelings were incredibly hurtful so they learned to turn them off. At least I know that’s where I am. It was much, much easier to just be angry and volatile than to feel the intense pain of rejection. It doesn’t matter if that rejection is from a caretaker, romantic partner, friend, bully or co-worker, rejection is painful.
Does inner or emotional strength come from growing a thicker skin? Does it come from shutting off our emotions and feelings? Or does that strength come from embracing them? Does feeling those feelings completely, processing them and understanding their origins and meanings actually provide us the strength that we think we’re getting by creating a thick shell around us instead?
It’s possible to find numerous books on leadership in all different forms and one common attribute found among those considered strong leaders is the ability to listen to feedback and process it effectively. Not just pretend to listen but actually hear what’s being said, process it appropriately and course correct behaviors as needed. It requires a certain amount of vulnerability and feeling of emotions to be able to do that.
I happen to think that having a thick skin is the opposite of being vulnerable. After some of the things I’ve experienced personally in this past year, I also happen to believe that true strength really does come from an ability to understand our own feelings and to actually feel them. Maybe we don’t have to express them verbally to anyone on the street who will listen, but it’s probably ok to share them with those we feel closest to. It’s probably ok to generally let people know that we do actually have feelings and that we do actually feel them deeply.
Writing all this out has helped me process why this idea of “growing a thick skin” has always irked me. It’s helped me understand why I’ve always thought that anyone who has a self-proclaimed thick skin has something figured out that I don’t. I now think that they have turned off a critical part of themselves as a protection measure. I’d like to believe that with everything I’ve been experiencing, that perhaps I could be strong enough to remove all the layers of my thickened skin and find out what’s been hidden underneath. I think it could be something associated with happiness.
