I woke up this morning thinking about my closet. Not my physical closet specifically as much as the clothes that are in it. I got laid off from my job over a month ago and since then I’ve worn the same pair of jeans almost every day. I say almost because I have washed them a couple of times, so of course I needed to wear something else while they were in the wash. I’ve also worn the same basic outfit. In addition to the jeans, I’ve put on a long-sleeved t-shirt and one of 3 or 4 different cardigans/sweatshirts over the top of that.
That’s pretty much it.
I have my t-shirts inside a tall cabinet that sits inside my closet. It’s where all my sweaters live and it’s how I limit myself from buying too many sweaters. Since that cabinet is already full, in order to buy anything new, something old needs to go out. But that’s a side note. The point is that the cabinet sits at the back of the walk-in closet so I have to pass by all the hanging clothes to get to it. Today I realized that all the hanging clothes have been hanging there untouched for over two months.
Basically, right now I could have about 6 shirts/sweaters, 2 pairs of pants and a dozen pairs each of underwear and socks and pretty much have all my clothing needs taken care of. It seems to be a symbol of my life – or the fact that I don’t have one.
I know there are people out there who wear the same thing every day, or nearly the same thing. I had a professor once who wore a blue button up shirt and a pair of greenish khaki pants every single day without fail. We all imagined that his closet had 8 shirts that were identical to one another and that’s it. I don’t know that I’ve seen a photo of Michael Kors wearing anything but dark jeans, a white t-shirt and a navy blazer. If that works for people, then great.
I, however, see my lack of variation in what I’m wearing right now as a symbol. I think it’s because I enjoy dressing up. I wished that I worked in New York at a fashion place of some type where it was not only expected that I would dress fashionably, or stylishly, but actually required. I live, and have lived, mostly in the Midwest. I live in the kind of places where a traveling Broadway show will sell out but the lobby is full of people wearing jeans and t-shirts. People almost go out of their way to wear as casual of clothes as possible.
I find it hard to really let myself wear what I want to wear when I do have a job to go to. There are a couple of reasons for that. One would be the aforementioned geography. I don’t feel too awkward dressing up a bit more than my co-workers, but it’s hard to dress up a lot more. In our judgmental world, if I go too far I can just hear the whispers behind my back “Who does she think she is?” Don’t get me wrong, I am not the kind of person who wears over-the-top-straight-from-the-runway looks. I’m simply talking about adding a few accessories that would make my outfit a little more than what the casual Midwest is used to. The second reason is that I will often feel underutilized and stupid at work. Wearing something that’s well-put-together indicates that I’m well put together emotionally and that is not true. So I hold myself back in order to project a little bit of the mess that I actually am. Enough that if my day ends up going badly, I can shrink into the background quietly and hide. It seems wrong in some way to be wearing a really nice outfit and still want to run into the bathroom and cry.
This jeans and long-sleeved t-shirt uniform is not unusual for me. There is a reason I have a shelf full of long-sleeved t-shirts. It’s my hang-around-the-house uniform or my running-errands uniform on a Saturday. It’s not very flattering on me in any way, and even less so due to the weight I’ve gained over the last few years. It doesn’t help that I abhor stretch denim and have resorted to men’s jeans because they are 100% cotton, basic and actually fit my hourglass shape better than women’s. However, “better” doesn’t equate to “good”.
It’s the wearing of it every day that is bothering me. I know that I could dress up for my temp job that I work from home, but really, what’s the use? I’ve got a hobbled together set up for my desk situation and I need some type of “comfort”. Perhaps not in the physical way as much as the emotional way and this uniform is just easy and forgettable. Thinking about it now, of course, brings me stress because I realize that it’s a bit of a sign of giving up, but during the day when I need to focus on other things, like work, it provides continuity in my life that isn’t around at the moment.
It’s a fairly agreed upon thought that clothing can express who you are. This is why so much discussion regarding clothing is around style. If it weren’t an expression, we’d all be wearing pretty much the same uniform and we don’t. A lot of the clothes in my closet may not truly describe who I am, although there are some pieces that do. I can say that the self-imposed uniform I find myself stuck in at the moment certainly doesn’t describe who I am.
I need this time to wallow some more before I will feel like changing anything about that. I think I’ll answer my own question – Can Clothes Describe A Life? Yes, and right now mine are saying that life is rather sad.
