As I sit here writing this, I desperately want to head to the freezer and eat the rest of the ice cream. There’s about 1 ½ cups left in the carton, which is three servings based on actual serving size. I want to sprinkle additional chocolate on top of it and chow down. I want to give my brain that rush of dopamine.
As I’ve struggled with my food addiction, a by-product of my complex post traumatic stress disorder, which was caused by childhood emotional neglect, I’ve learned that I eat because I feel like it will calm me down (it doesn’t) but I’m getting a rush of dopamine that temporarily makes me think that it does.
Again, I’m not a doctor of any kind, these are just my opinions. I do a lot of reading though and have learned that dopamine is a neurotransmitter that is sending messages to our brain or within our brain. I encourage you – the reader – to dig further into the specifics of this. I know this, every time we get something pleasurable, like the chocolate ice cream I’m craving, I get a rush of dopamine.
The problem is that each time I get that rush my brain wants more of that feeling. Therein lies the food for ongoing addictions. I’m grateful that my addiction is not alcohol or drugs as I’d be broke and unemployed with a failing liver. But eating too much isn’t a whole lot better. The junk food can’t be good for my heart and I know the extra twenty pounds has not been kind to my knees and hips.
I just don’t really know – yet – how to counteract that rush of dopamine with something other than food. Experts say that exercise can help. It’s just been the last few months that I’ve finally had energy to do that and it’s been good for my tension, but hasn’t really curbed the eating. I’m trying to stick with it though.
Today I was thinking about other things that make me feel good. Buying something new usually does it. This is pretty common for a lot of Americans as well. That new lipstick (I have at least fifteen or more in the drawer, I don’t need one more) or scented shower gel (my shower is already overflowing with those) are ways that I’ve been giving myself this dopamine rush through buying. I’ve known for a long time that buying new stuff doesn’t provide that long-term satisfaction I’m looking for. It may actually compound my sadness because now I’m looking at all the junk that’s accumulated around me and that’s now emotionally weighing me down.
So I was thinking earlier today about what I could do to regulate my dopamine rushes a bit. I’ve come up with a few thoughts that I’m going to try. I don’t know if they’ll work, but I will try them.
- When I want to eat, wait at least fifteen minutes. This is most effective when I’m at work and find myself reaching for a snack.
- Purging stuff may have the same freeing/pleasurable feelings that buying stuff has. So I need to go through some of my old clothes I’m no longer wearing and donate them to the local thrift store.
- Finish a project. I have so many of those, I could use this as a strategy for the next twenty years! It’s been hard to be motivated to do any of them because of the habits and patterns I developed due to my trauma. I’m working on that and am better able to work on projects. I’ll continue this strategy for many reasons and will hope that it keeps me from eating too much.
- Give myself the lazy downtime that I want. I’ll watch movies for a whole afternoon or take a nap or maybe I’ll go out and do some window shopping (notice there is no buying in there, but I like to see new inspiration stocked in the stores). I’ve been programmed to always be doing something, this is part of my childhood trauma. I was trained to always be doing something productive, watching television was bad. I’ve retained that into my adulthood and it’s not served me well. Just sitting or doing something that was previously considered “frivolous” (again, programmed into me by my parents), is a way of telling myself to calm down.
- Go take some photos. I like photography and if not pressured by others or time, I can get lost in looking for things to photograph. If I can get my backside outside with a camera, I can get in a little extra calorie burn and do something that flexes my creative eye, which makes me feel good without stimulants.
I’ve been aware of this dopamine rush for a little while thanks to the help of my therapists, but am still working on ways to manage it. I just need to stop feeling the need to eat all the time, and from my experience last Spring, I know that this wanting to eat is tied to how I’m feeling about myself and my trauma responses. A new job I started has been great, but it’s also causing me to worry and struggle about my own capabilities and eating too much has ramped up all over again because of it. Hopefully settling in and getting to know others will result in a lessening of the food addiction but not without me also actively learning more about myself and implementing some strategies at the same time.
I got to thinking about this topic today after reading an article in the Wall Street Journal earlier this week. It discussed the case of a young man who was addicted to video games and how he had become depressed and anxious because of it. The article was written by Dr. Anna Lembke who has authored a book about dopamine and it’s scheduled to be available August 24th. I believe I will add this one to my list to buy in the future. Not because I need to buy something new, but because I have a list of books I want to read as a way for me to continue to heal myself. Many of them have been helpful and this could be another piece of the puzzle. Here’s a link to her website regarding the book: https://www.annalembke.com/dopamine-nation
I’m grateful to the tireless neuroscientists and psychologists who have been exploring the areas of trauma and brain function in order to provide so many of us with new directions and answers. As I continue to read books and articles, so many of the sentences could have been specifically written about me, they are that spot on. It makes me feel heard and seen and understood and that provides calm. With this additional research on dopamine, I may be able to guide myself into a path that relies less on dopamine hits and more on an overall peaceful inner life.
