It’s been fourteen months since I wrote. The last time was before the 2021 holiday season. The rest of the world might complain about 2020 being a bad year, one that will stick with them, but for me that year will be 2022. I’m happy that it’s officially behind me.
It was a year of great personal emotional difficulty. January 2022 started out with work stress that built to a breaking point by the end of February and I held on for a couple of more weeks until I had a mental meltdown in March. I felt that I was able to hide that from the public and my co-workers but not my spouse who, unfortunately, has had to endure the brunt of so much emotional overload from me for so many years. I thought it was a low point which wouldn’t be reached again but was proven wrong a short six weeks later.
The second meltdown culminated with me getting into the car and driving late at night for several hours until I was too tired, at which point I got a hotel and slept – actually slept. I hadn’t been able to sleep very well for weeks before that. I got to the point that particular weekend where I thought the best way to get through the rest of my life was to accept I am never going to be able to find out who I truly am and that my purpose on this planet is to be there for everyone else’s needs. To acquiesce to what they want and what they need from me. I was angry, resigned, worn-out and worn completely down. To be fair, I had been expressing for at least a month before this particular meltdown that I needed to get away. Despite saying it several times, it went unheeded. I needed to be away and didn’t want to do that by myself. After this particular meltdown, I finally scheduled a Saturday and Sunday away so I could take photographs. Saturday was fine, but the five hour drive back by myself took away any sense of relief that I had from the day before. It reinforced that I don’t like getting away by myself – I like to spend that time with a good friend or even more importantly, my spouse.
Within the first half of 2022, I had two significant emotional and mental breakdowns and I thought that things would look up. Then came July.
July was when we closed on a house and started some renovations. It coincided with a situation at work that sent me over the edge and then my spouse piled onto that because of the overwhelm that comes with making such a big purchase, dealing with the non-stop projects associated with it, likely a lack of clear communication between us and in the middle of a hot summer on top of it. Mid-July brought on a suicide attempt – albeit not much of one as my spouse (who had 30 minutes prior been the very straw that broke my resolve) made the wise choice to return to our home at the time and intervene.
The first half of 2022 brought with it three mental breakdowns, approximately six weeks apart from each other. It set a pattern for me and it felt like I was going to be cursed with spiraling down to that breakdown point every one and a half months. The good news is that I haven’t had to deal with that low of a low since. I’ve felt lows over the last half of 2022, but have been better able to identify them as they’ve raised their ugly and destructive head. I begrudgingly admit that I have learned from those earlier experiences and am doing better now at identifying the bullshit from other people and separating myself from it rather than taking it all on like I’ve done the rest of my life.
In addition to identifying those items, I’ve found some more tools to help with my mental health journey. I’m revisting the mind-body connections and have found some online programs that work specifically in that area. I’m slowly learning to tell myself that self-care such as washing my face and getting pedicures, aren’t selfish but are rather moments to tell myself I deserve care and attention. This extends into small things such as stopping and watching some tv or reading or working on writing. With the help of my professional therapy sessions, a few weeks ago I was able to feel something close to calmness and joy again – something I’ve only experienced twice in my life. That first time was nearly two years ago. I know I have a long way to go yet in this war against C-PTSD and a month ago I was thinking I wasn’t gaining any ground, but then was able to experience those few days of calm and joy and it’s renewed my hope again.
So here’s to putting a mentally and emotionally crappy year in the past and focusing on a mentally healthier 2023.
