Relationships are: hard, complicated, interesting, rewarding, comforting, supportive, destructive and probably about 10 other adjectives in addition to those. While talk of relationships may first bring to mind romantic ones, I think this list of adjectives applies to all relationships: spouses, friends, parents, children, family, co-workers and even the random brief interactions that we have with people throughout our day. I think the relationship that we have with ourselves is the one that embodies all of those descriptions.
I’m learning to let myself confidently speak my mind a little more. Those who know me might say I’ve always been that way, but it’s not really true. The key in that sentence is confidently. I’m learning how to own who I am, what I want and how I need to express it. What’s still elusive to me is how to do all that with other people.
I don’t want to hurt people’s feelings. I don’t want to be accused of steamrolling over anyone, a comment that has been directed at me in the past. I don’t want to curb anyone else’s dreams or thoughts or opinions and in order to abide by those thoughts it’s meant putting aside my own. Or rather shoving them deep down inside.
What does this have to do with health? I’ve struggled with fatigue for the better part of 20 years. It doesn’t matter how many hours I might sleep, I wake up feeling like I need a nap. Over the past 10 years or so, that feeling has been coupled with physical pain. Everything aches when I wake up. About 2 years ago a moment happened in my life where, for a few days, I let everything go. I lived for myself only. I found that I fell asleep naturally around 9pm to 11pm and I could wake up between 5am and 6am without my alarm. Most importantly, without feeling that fatigue or achiness.
I had thought that the physical symptoms were from something actually physical, but that moment made me realize that they were manifestations of emotional turmoil. I’m still tired all the time and things seem to hurt more now than before, but I do think it’s getting better. Last week I let myself loose a little bit at work and for a couple of nights, slept just a bit better and felt just a bit better when I woke up.
I think there’s a connection between our emotional status and our physical health that will likely never be really explored fully in my lifetime, but it’s now a focus for me in my life and maybe I can find a way to get back to that moment where I felt good. I’m learning how I can better have a relationship with myself, understand my own emotions and behaviors and in turn can have better relationships with those around me.
