My mind is cluttered. Stuffed full of so many things that it’s nearly impossible to function. I deal with a type of paralysis weekly, if not daily, because I never know which direction to move in. Like most Americans, I have a never-ending list of things that I need to do, or THINK I need to do. That list always conflicts with the long list of things I WANT to do. This means I’m in a state of internal conflict constantly.
I think there is some truth to the idea that your environment is a reflection of your state of mind. I also believe that a person’s environment can positively (or negatively) affect someone’s mind.
Well, my mind is cluttered, and so is my environment. And it’s absolutely driving me crazy!
For well over a year, probably closer to a year and a half now, I’ve been trying to change my thought patterns about the stuff in my home. I’ve been having some success at this but it’s not an overnight thing, it’s a process. For me, it’s a LONG process partly because I don’t adjust well and partly because the patterns ingrained in my mind were placed there decades ago and rewiring those beliefs just simply takes time.
I have a large-ish sized home. One where there should be twice as much room as what we actually need, which means there should be more than enough space for any necessary, and even non-necessary, things. At the moment, my home is still turned upside down, just like it’s been since we moved in because we bought a fixer-upper. I would very much like for every space to be well designed and decorated and we’re slowly moving toward that goal, but it’s taking so much more time than I want it to. So my house feels cluttered and out of control. And I feel cluttered and out of control.
It doesn’t help that I grew up in a physical environment where each nook and cranny was stuffed beyond capacity. If there was a spot on a horizontal surface, it soon got filled with something. And this wasn’t just my childhood home, it was something I saw in the homes of my parents’ friends, my grandparents and even a few of my own friends’ homes. It was relatively normalized in my community. This is one of the strongest patterns I have to rewire in my brain.
The first step has been to dig out the truth of how I feel and what I want which lies underneath those old messages and beliefs. The second step is examining all of that excavated baggage and getting a good grasp on what it means to me. The third step is taking action. I think I’m navigating a bridge between the second and third steps with the regular trip back to the first step as I process. I’ve been taking SOME action with a few items but have left others alone until I understand my feelings better.
One thing I’m doing, which I’ve stuck to and has given me a sense of accomplishment, is cleaning out my bathroom. No, not cleaning THE bathroom, rather cleaning it OUT. I amassed a collection of shower gels, fancy bar soaps, perfume and makeup samples, facial cleansers and body lotions. I could’ve opened my own self-care booth at a wellness expo with what is stuffed in my cabinets. Stuffed is the right word. I kept arranging and rearranging and trying to get it all to FEEL lovely and comfortable and it just wouldn’t. No matter what organizational basket or tray I bought, it didn’t help because at the end of the day, too much stuff is too much stuff. And all those baskets and trays just added more stuff to the stuff.
I’ve taken on this personal challenge and in the last eight or nine months, I’ve made some progress. I have found space within some of those baskets and trays and have been able to discipline myself enough to not bring home any new bath or body products until I run out of something I need. At one point I even found I had four variations of deodorant eating up precious room in the one drawer I have! I’m happy to report I’ve cut that particular inventory in half.
I learned, somewhere along my lifeline, that fancy items shouldn’t be used except for fancy days and events. I have a rather expensive face mask which I got for Christmas and I’ve not used it as I should because it’s “fancy”. Somewhere along the line I got the message that once nice things are used, or used up, they are no longer nice or available. Somewhere I got the message that they must be held onto gently and carefully because their precious-ness is too fragile. The feeling associated with their precious-ness is too fragile. Using them will result in an internal depression, a feeling we all wish to avoid. For anything perishable, this seems to only equate to watching them go bad sitting on a shelf. I got a couple of samples of a face lotion and used one, it was very nice. So I looked it up and that’s when I found out it was expensive and therefore I held onto the other sample and didn’t use it for over two years, not wanting that potential experience of using such an expensive lotion to dissipate so quickly. My mis-wired brain made me believe I needed to save it for some very special day instead of making myself feel special on an average day. A couple of weeks ago I opened it up, finally deciding that any day was special enough, only to find it was no longer useable. What a waste. Not only could I have actually used a product instead of having to throw it in the landfill, but I could’ve had a moment of feeling like I was paying attention to myself, making myself feel better by caring for my skin. Instead of feeling a depression by using it up, I feel a depression because I didn’t which somehow is worse for me. I didn’t care about myself enough to allow me to use the fancy item.
I’m no longer waiting for special days or events to use the fancy stuff in my bathroom. Maybe a random Tuesday is special enough for the luxurious-smelling perfume. Maybe using the fancy nail cream helps me care for my dry, split nails and caring for my dry, split nails with the fancy nail cream means I’m pausing within my day and caring for myself. And stopping to care for myself allows me some space to mentally breathe and recharge.
We’ve all heard it…quality over quantity. I’m leaning more and more into that phrase as I declutter my mind. I want lovely clothes hanging in my closet, not dozens of clearance items, many which poorly fit, crammed together on my closet rod. I don’t need six different types of scented lotions and a dozen different perfumes when a couple of signature favorites are what makes me feel happy.
I have a long ways to go in working through the mangled and tangled wiring of my brain. I’ve unknotted a few twisted strands and am continuing to pick apart the others. Processing these external, and excess, things in my physical space seems to be a very real and helpful way for me to declutter the mess in my mind. I’m constantly asking myself why I’ve held onto something or if I really like the items I have or just feel obligated to keep them because of old family beliefs which were programmed into me a long time ago. By working on my tangible space, I’m also cleaning up the pieces of trauma scattered about in my mind and body.
