Christmas is here. It’s probably my least favorite time of the year. I consider myself to be best friends with Scrooge. There are too many people, too many expectations, too much stress.
Buying gifts is one of those things.
Permit me to add some personal background before going further on about gifts.
For the last few weeks (or months), I’ve been feeling more and more crushed by the material items that surround me. About six weeks ago, my life changed without my having any say in it. I find I’m in a state of transition – big life transition – and I’m very slowly trying to figure out how to navigate it. I know that I will be moving in a different direction than the one I’ve been travelling on thus far. What does my material possessions have to do with this life change? I think quite a lot.
I want quality in my life over quantity. Quality relationships which are supportive. Quality vehicles to rely upon. Quality and balanced food to help me feel my best. Quality and correct information to help me grow. Quality work which provides something meaningful to others and fulfills me as best as any job can. Quality material items which I can use for many years to come.
I grew up in an environment which can be best described as the opposite of that. I understand we had very little money, however I also remember our single wide trailer house being rather full of things despite that. Boxes were always stuffed under furniture. Drawers so full it was difficult to pull them in and out. Multiples of just about anything (mixing bowls, stocking caps, tablecloths…), many of which were rarely or never used. I’ve been thinking a lot about what it was like to grow up in that type of environment and how it has affected my life thus far.
I think having only those items around me which I use regularly or have a very special meaning would help me feel like I have a more meaningful, and a higher quality, life. This is not how my environment is now, but I’m working on it. Very slowly. I’m starting to purge one item at a time as I am emotionally able to process this change. One shirt in the box to the thrift store, one old binder from a conference placed in the recycling bin, one more bottle of soap used up from the full stack in the closet.
Now let me get back to Christmas and gift giving.
It was drilled into me throughout my entire childhood and young adult life that I was to be appreciative of any gift which was given to me. Whether it was something I liked, wanted or could use was irrelevant. Of course we can always say thank you to someone for giving us a gift because we’re supposed to understand that we crossed their minds and they care enough about us to want to show that with a physical item. But there’s more to it than that. I remember the thought, either implied or actually said (or both), that I was to take what I was given and LIKE it. Often there was anger and guilt in the tone of the message as it was being given to me. I was supposed to take on a heavy emotional burden associated with anything given to me. I was supposed to incorporate those items into my very being, regardless if they actually FIT who I was. This was one of many ways I was being controlled. I was being told who I was supposed to be through gifts.
It wasn’t until I was married that I understood what gift giving can be. When my spouse and I started to shop together for family members at Christmas, I learned from him how to think about the other person. THEIR interests, THEIR style, THEIR likes and dislikes. This was a new concept to me. I came from a family who would see something on a store shelf that caught THEIR eye and then they would say (quite literally) “I wonder who I could give this to”.
What a stupid concept!
Over the years, I have been the recipient of this type of gift giving. Even as recent as within the last year, I’ve received a gift from someone who gave me an item THEY liked. This is AFTER they had been told how many of that similar item we already have in our house. So now it sits in my cabinet – unused.
Today I feel the start of a loosening up of the rule which was so hard-wired into my brain – that what is given to me must become part of who I am regardless if it truly fits my spirit and goals. I will continue to mentally explore this change and reinforce it so I can feel better about myself.
This is the new thought which will replace the old one.
I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THE GIFTS SOMEONE SPENDS THEIR MONEY ON AND GIVES TO ME.
That’s it. I am NOT responsible for them because I have no control over what someone else’s thoughts and actions are. If I am close enough to them, they should have at least a decent idea of what I might like or not like. Should they decide to purchase something else then I should not have to feel obligated for keeping it or feel guilty for sending on it its way to a thrift store or another, more grateful, receipient.
I know gift buying is difficult. I even have a very hard time trying to figure out what to get my spouse (something rather common among couples). This is why I try to give out lists of ideas to those who will be giving me gifts and I attempt to be as extensive with that list as possible so they can chose a price which fits their budget. I try to fill that list with items that I would like which are also consumables such as food or bath products so they won’t become long-term clutter in my environment since I’m working through an overall purge of the excess I have around me.
I will be opening gifts within a couple of days after writing this (but will be posting after that moment) and will spend that time reminding myself that I do not need to keep or enjoy anything given to me which is inconsistent with who I am or who I want to be. I do not need to be rude about it. I do not need to be disrespectful. I can say thank you and murmur any polite generic discussion if needed and then send it on to its next destination.
I get to build my life with the quality items in it which support how I want to live and how I want to feel and who I want to be and project to the world.
